An Honest Email From Our CEO Regarding Today’s Lay-Offs
Dear Valued, Though Demonstrably Expendable, Associate,
Think of the today’s downsizing as a sort of microcosm of our recent pandemic. The weakest among you have been thinned out. Don’t think of Jeff from procurement services as Jeff. Instead, you must think of him as the mortally wounded antelope causing our herd to move slower. If the hyenas don’t get him, the sepsis will. And, we can’t just sit around waiting for the gangrene to set in. We must move faster, leaner and more efficiently. At all costs, our productivity must grow. For that to happen, Jeff must die — figuratively, of course.
Though some of us, and by us, I obviously mean not me, have been forcibly moved on, please know how difficult today’s lay-offs were for me to conduct. That is to say, forming a reliable internet connection from out here in the middle of the Mediterranean has been very taxing.
But, also, everyone who works for me is very dear to me. I like to think of my employees as a family —of adorable donkeys!
Belching, braying and farting with effort, you pull with all your might to get our company up the steep hill of prosperity. In the end, you always get us there, even if that means some of you drop dead of exhaustion in the process. And, it breaks my heart—to know how momentarily inconvenienced I will be, having to go to the barnyard to fetch another donkey, or what you call, “bringing on new talent.”
Like Jeff, we all have our roles to play in the brutal comedy known as the economy. As a worker bee, you keep our American hive buzzing. On a relentless treadmill of working you too hard and making you worry about your job security, you keep me fatted with honey. This is the cycle of prosperity. We all have our place in it — or outside of it in your case.
Yes, the dogs of productivity will soon be busily feasting upon the entrails of Jeff, but you must think of the greater good. No matter what the economy does, in the end, I will acquire greater wealth, and that will be good.
Together, we have proven time and again that our company, like a mighty Spanish Galleon, has the ability to weather any storm. Though Jeff and others like him may occasionally need to be tossed overboard to lighten the load for the magnificent treasures tucked safely in our hull, the important thing is that our riches always arrive safely in port
We will not sink. We will not find ourselves at the bottom of the harbor — not while I am at the helm of this mighty vessel. Fear not, the great future of our company is certain — though the same cannot necessarily be said for you reading this email as we contemplate another round of lay-offs after missing our projections this quarter.
Onward now we sail, to a bright and Jeff-less future!
-Our Company CEO
